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Dropping out of college this semester was one of the best things I’ve ever done. It’s allowed me to spend some introspection time looking at myself, how I live, and what drives me and seeing if my inner reality coalesces with that which I believe to be actual reality. And I’m a follower of Jesus, so I believe that what the Bible says to be actual reality, is.

One thing I’ve seen in Scriptures that’s been apposite to my own life is the exhortation to live a life that is exposed. To refrain completely from covering things up. To be unveiled and allow the glory of Christ in me to shine forth. Even when it has to shine through all the muck for people to see it. But I don’t do this. I live a recondite life.

Why don’t I live a life laid bare before all? I’m not entirely sure. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like the best thing. Sometimes I’m just not quite sure what it really looks like. Sometimes I don’t think that doing so will be the best way to attract people to Jesus (and *obviously* that’s my job). Mostly, I think I’m scared and selfishly motivated.

I’m not that good of a person. It’s easy to say that… when I’m talking in generalities. It’s when I elaborate on what that means, when I extrapolate the specifics from the generalities that my heart cringes at its turpitude, and fears surface. What if I lived unveiled, renouncing secret and shameful ways, commending myself to every man’s conscience?

Then people would know. And don’t want them to see me. I don’t want them to see my twisted motivations, the judgmental thoughts I have toward Christians, the deceit I use to sometimes look better, the way I too often live passionlessly – averring it to be determined devotion rather than the lack of love it actually is, the lust of my past and intermittent temptations of the present, my self-hatred, my poor relationships, my hubris, my self-protective behavior, and all the other crap that covers my soul. It’s the sin that dims the glory. Why? Because I let it.

I just don’t want to any longer. I hide too much, not always intentionally, but I don’t deliberately let myself come through. If I want the glorious light of Christ to evince itselt in my external life, my sin is going to be exposed. And I want to allow people to see the joy, life, passion, contentment, wholeness, hope, and love that God has produced in me.

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.
Truly, any light coming from me is one shining out of darkness. Only Jesus.

Categories: Miscellaneous
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