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Today Is The Day?

I have felt stuck for a long time. Spiritually stuck. I have felt a massive lack of motivation. I have felt a massive amount of frustration. I have felt a massive amount of confusion. I have had difficulty seeing the next step and doing it. I have seen little progress in the steps I have made. I have lacked joy. I have felt hopeless. I have been lazy. I have felt dead. I have not been living horribly nor have I felt stuck in a sin. But I haven’t lived all that well either. I have felt, for so long, on the edge of something new. I have felt on the edge of a deeper transformation, new life, new direction, and newfound passion and joy. I’ve felt like something powerful was right around the corner for the last couple of years. I’ve turned dozens of major corners since then. Around each corner was… nothing.

I didn’t round a corner today*. But things have been happening. On Wednesday, after a conversation with a delightful young lady, I decided that I was going to abstain from any alcohol consumption (not a big sin issue for me, but I thoroughly enjoy it) and engage in a traditional jewish fast (sunrise to sunset) everyday until I became full of joy and impassioned again. I don’t think giving stuff up is a magic cure, it’s not. But I finally became sick enough of it that I decided not to rest until God’s reality became my reality. Nothing happened right away. Today, I had what I called a pseudo-victory. I allowed myself to be in a situation of temptation and let my mind wander and the temptation to progress. This was the failure. But as the temptation was at its peak, I shunned the temptation, removed it, and though failing in giving in to temptation to a point, succeeded in shunning it. This pseudo-victory was actually quite powerful for me. It was as if Satan gained ground on me in the middle of the battle, and the Spirit provided the strength for me to surge forward and take the hill. And now, the Enemy is on the defensive. God reigned victorious in this area, but it seems that victory in this area has begun something completely different.

It seems that I have reached the point of forward movement. I can’t really explain it, but it seems that a new era is beginning in my life. I am not overjoyed and uberpassionate, but I think that these things are well on their way. What I do feel is an incredible sense of hope. I feel like I am strong again. I have felt so defeated for so long, but I feel victorious now. As I was bemoaning my pseudo-victory, my friend called it a huge victory. He was correct. As I was driving back from Eau Claire, thinking about these things, a song on my ipod played with these lyrics:

I don’t know, but I got this feeling,
That today’s gonna be my turning point,
Everyday I get a little bit closer,
It feels so good to finally be over
“Dear God” – FM Static

 It felt as if God was speaking to me through these words. It felt like these were finally true for my life. Today is my turning point and my time of defeat is over.
I know I have a whole long road in front of me. But I’m strong again. God has made me strong again. I am who I once was in this area. And I’m bringing my increased sensitivity, emotionality, understanding, and humility along with me this time. It does not matter what comes anymore. I just don’t care. May God keep me on this road. May He continue to make me strong. May He grow joy and passion in me. May He meet me when I call to Him with His wisdom, guidance, peace, and deep spiritual intimacy.

 
 

 
 

*”today” is actually the day prior to the day of posting

 
 

 
 

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Categories: Miscellaneous
  1. tgt
    July 7, 2009 at 6:27 pm

    thank God bro!

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