Home > Miscellaneous > Trust… A. Heavier. Issue.

Trust… A. Heavier. Issue.

I’ve lost a lot of trust lately. Not just in people. Perhaps, overall, my trust in a lot of different people has actually increased. I’ve been a total mess and have openly admitted it. I’ve been totally not myself and at times have lived right out of the depths of my sinful nature instead of by the Spirit. I’ve shared this with people. I’ve had nothing to offer them. I’m so downtrodden and broken by the painful losing battle I’ve spent so long in. But, my friends have stuck by me in spite of me. They’ve walked by my side even as I consider going places I’ve never considered going before. They stand by me while I lay on the ground, unmoving, undeterred by the hell inside me, and full of love. It’s been beautiful. Thanks guys.

But the trust I’ve lost is in my God. I literally have become quite afraid of Him, more specifically I’ve become afraid of following him. I’ve never been here before. Not even close. I have been afraid of places He called me to go before, but after hearing His voice, a little bit of fear could not hold me back from going exactly where my loving daddy called me to go. I knew Him. I knew He knew me completely. I knew His love and His power. How could I do anything but obey?

I couldn’t. And I didn’t. I’ve made some huge life changes in the last couple of years out of obedience. I went back to school and graduated. I enrolled at Bethel. I moved to Mpls and bought a house in a neighborhood in need of the Love and Power I knew so well. I dated a girl I was so scared to date for a number of reasons. I didn’t care I was making these large life decisions that involved so much sacrifice and dramatic life changes on my part. I was following my God.

But the difficulty came when after doing these things I didn’t sense any specific clear direction from God on how to do precisely what He asked me to. And I didn’t know how. I just knew I needed His power. And I kept waiting and praying and hoping. But He never showed up in any way I could see. Still, throughout most of this, I was still very confident in Him. He’s showed up before without fail, so I believed that it was just a matter of time. So I kept obeying. At least with the big things.

With the overall direction of my life, I was so good at obeying. But in my last massive life change, one done for the glory of God and out of obedience to my Lord, Lover, and Master, I ended up in so many ways dishonoring and disobeying Him. With the whole of my life I was trying to obey, but in the very act of trying to bring God’s kingdom here by living to make His will happen I made mistakes that were destructive. And I kept making them. All in the determined process of trying to follow His voice and lead. It was exactly what I was scared of when I followed Him in this direction, the mistakes that would bring destruction.

And here I am now. I don’t know who I am anymore. It feels like trying to follow God has brought me here. I’m lost. I’m hurt so deeply. I feel so betrayed. I feel so untrusting. I feel so deeply unloved. THIS IS NOT ME! But here I am, like this. However, slowly I’m moving out. And upward movement feels so good. My head is beginning to get through my heart the truth: it is not my following God that brought me here, but my and others’ misfollowing of God that brought me and others to a place of destruction. And I will move out of this terrible place. And someday, the sweet words of God will be heard again. And I will know who I am. And I will feel loved. And my soul will be complete. And I will trust. And I will be full of life and love. Just like me.

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Categories: Miscellaneous
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