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One At A Time

I heard words today. It’s the first time in a long time. Finally. My soul is finally beginning to believe what my mind already knew. They have been tough words… It hurts to repeat them. But here they are. “It is not my mistakes that brought you here, but yours.” Whew. I knew this, but I didn’t feel it before. I feel it now, and the world has become a lot more clear. The clearer it gets, the more I hurt. But I deserve to hurt, friends. I’ve never felt so deserving of death in my life.

I’ve had a burning question inside of me lately. How did I get here? Now I have an answer. One step at a time. One compromise at a time. It’s amazing how fast I got here. In a matter of months I went from a man of strength and dependency to one who lives with a weak-willed independence. I was a man with a singular overwhelming desire to one with a preponderance of contradictory desires. I went from focused to unfocused. Disciplined to without discipline. Loving to angry. Dependable to unreliable. Wise to foolish. Free to chained. Obedient to disobedient. One compromise at a time.

Other things have become clear too. It’s not God’s lack of love or power that brought me here. It’s me. As I’ve said a million times, I was obedient with the whole of my life. I poured myself out to be faithful with the big life picture God gave me. I really did. But in the details of that picture, what I have too oft called the small things, I struggled so much. Progressive failure is what I would call it. A circular pattern of sin and shame and pain and confusion and betrayal and sin. I thought I would be brought full circle and be back to where I was, but it is only now that I realize I was moving in a circle on a corkscrew and was constantly moving downward. Toward the hell I now live in, the hell that has grown in me and hurt others. So funny in a horrible way. Why on earth would I think that the big picture would ever happen without the details that make up the big picture? How could there be a final destination without the steps to get there? There can’t be. And there wasn’t. I walked in the wrong direction with my head looking over my shoulder at my destination, but I never got there. Shocking.

I moved further and further away from achieving my God-given dreams. One step at a time. One compromise at a time. It’s such a weird feeling. On one hand, I don’t know how this happened. On the other, I know exactly how this happened. But still… I never thought I would ever be here. I didn’t think I had this much sin in me. I didn’t think I would ever move this direction. Yet, I did, slowly but surely, and now I’m right here. It’s not surprising, I’m exactly where I should be based on the direction I’ve been moving. But I’m still surprised I’m here. I’m so confused by myself. I can’t even begin to imagine what I’ve lost and ruined without crying, even as I write this. But as hard as it is to believe, I am here. I really did destroy all that. I really did ruin all that. It really is done. I really am in this place. One question I have left that I need an answer to, but am wavering on the answer I’ve been given… Who will save me from this body of death?



Categories: Miscellaneous
  1. tgt
    September 23, 2009 at 10:33 am

    Friend, if you ever need prayer, although I’m a thousand miles away, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

  1. April 25, 2010 at 4:36 pm

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