Home > Miscellaneous > Last Night I Was Alone

Last Night I Was Alone

I’ve been accused of being too intellectual, too impersonal, and not vulnerable enough on my blog. This might be true, I don’t know. What is on my mind becomes what is on my heart which I use my mind to express in words on my blog. Not that I express everything on my mind and heart, but I do use my blog as my journal to express thoughts, emotions, and ideas. Anyway, I hope this post will allay the fears and accusations of my accuser (she knows who she is).

Last night I was alone. Not like without people alone. There were people somewhat near to me that I could talk to. There were people I could call. I knew I could find someone to be around. But I was lonely. I was more alone than just lacking people, I also lacked anything to do. I had things to do, but I didn’t feel like doing them at the time. And I was just there. It was just me with myself. And it wasn’t fun.

I started feeling a lot in rapid succession. In addition to loneliness and the sorrow that comes from that state of being, I became angry. My anger was directed at God, some individuals, myself, and nothing at the same time. And I couldn’t discern why the anger. But it was there. That led into a general sense of frustration with my life, of hopeless loneliness that I could not escape. This inescapability was an impetus for darkness.

It was as if one of two things happened: either desires crept from some dark area of my heart into the light so I could see them or desires were placed inside me from somewhere else in my state of anger and inescapable hopelessness. I wanted to do things that I never wanted to do. I wanted to just drink until I fell asleep so I could wake up and be done with these emotions. Worse, I just didn’t really want to follow Jesus.

I thought about all I was giving up to follow him and my overwhelming emotion was that it wasn’t worth it. In me a desire raged to quit everything and follow a different passion of my heart. My fiery longing was to make money, live easy, party hard, love superficially, pursue fame, and to be my own god through my power and the worship of others. It was awesome.

What was my response to all this? Cry a little, grab my stomach and cringe in my bed, throw out a short questioning prayer through gritted teeth and with clenched fists, begging, while in the middle of my own god-complex, for God to take this from me. Then I went downstairs and watched Fido to try not to think about it. Then a friend called and we spent a couple hours at a tea shop talking about Jesus and the Gospel and it turned out to be a beautiful night where Jesus was in the midst of the gathering of his disciples in his name.

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