Home > Miscellaneous > Humility and Being Okay With Things

Humility and Being Okay With Things

I hope there’s something that connects with this. I think about humility a lot and how it (or the lack of it) affects my life. I was thinking about the things in my life that I’m just not okay with. Then I was thinking about why I wasn’t okay with them, and there are a lot of narrow specific reasons, the broad reason is my lack of a servant heart. Here are a few examples.

My wants for my own life determine what I am okay with. There are a lot of future life possibilities that I am just not okay with. This is the most prominent one: I’m really not emotionally okay with spending my life unmarried. That very easily could be the case, but I’m not okay with that. Sure, a part of that is a desire for human connection, but you know what a part of it is? Sickly, proudly, I think I would be embarrassed to spend my life single. Hell, I’m kind of embarrassed that I’m not married with kids right now. And whatever God wants for my life, I am usually not okay with it if that’s His reworked plan for my life. Even though it feels inevitable.

There are things that I will not tell you. I think I’m willing to tell you about my sin, all my sin. Certainly my most heinous sin is my lack of a servant heart, though not my most taboo. But what I am scared to tell you about and will not tell you about is my pain. I might touch on it, but I’m not going to tell you about what has really hurt me in the past and what still aches me now. I will not divulge the specifics of my pain to you. I am not okay with doing that. Why not? Because I’m embarrassed. I’m deeply ashamed. I’m proud.

You know what else I won’t do? I won’t ask new people to hang out. I won’t engage with them in a way that invites them to spend time with me outside of whatever activity I met them at. Part of that is my personality, with most people that I consider myself close to I rarely ask them to hangout. I don’t know why, but it’s not pride. But a part of it, as dumb as it is, is that I don’t want to create an awkward situation where the other feels pressured. This is not a selfless worrying about the other’s feelings, it’s a selfish, again related to embarrassment, conversation that I don’t want to have. It’s not even fear of rejection. That wouldn’t bother me at all. It’s just the awkwardness of the difficult position I’m putting someone in. I’m not humble enough to face the embarrassing situation.

Ultimately folks, these things come down to what I will and won’t do. These things are all areas where my pride keeps me from, or has the potential to keep me from, obedience. These are ways where I am not a servant but a master. And that my friends, is disgusting.

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Categories: Miscellaneous
  1. Zechariah
    March 3, 2011 at 10:45 pm

    I love you and miss you, bro.

    Join me in praying for the strength and grace to repent. I’ve been taking a Revivals class here and every single one of them starts with conviction and repentance. I sincerely believe God’s beginning revival here in Minneapolis. He’s started to pour out repentance at our school. I feel convicted of the way I’m walking out my life, but I’m not strong enough to fully live in who I’m called to be. So I’m praying. I am feeling desperate, knowing I can’t do it in myself and still waiting on the Lord for it. I can’t be bold enough, alert enough, confident enough to be who God’s told me I am. So I’m being humbled with you, brother. Your blog is encouraging to me today. I hope our paths cross again soon.

  2. March 4, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    Consider yourself joined.

  3. schasta218
    April 16, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    What would it look like if you started doing some of the things you won’t do?

  4. April 18, 2011 at 11:32 pm

    Don’t ask me questions like that… Actually I have been making huge strides in sharing the painful depths of my soul in the last few days. Which is awesome. Step 1.

  5. schasta
    April 19, 2011 at 12:08 am

    Awesome! That’s good to hear!

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