Home > Miscellaneous > Simply Church: A Jovial Intermission Regarding Death

Simply Church: A Jovial Intermission Regarding Death

A friend of mine posted something on twitter about dying, living wills, or funerals, or something like that, and all of the sudden I started writing something that approximates a living will. I want to make sure I have a written record of this somewhere so the world knows exactly what my desires are. I understand this is likely in no way legally binding, but I’m hoping it will bind someone’s conscience and they won’t be able to bear the guilt of not honoring the requests of the deceased.

When Wondering Whether to Pull the Plug…

If there’s a good chance I’m gonna make it, probably keep me alive for a little bit. I may have some love left to give.

If I’m probably done, gonna come out braindead, or have to be kept alive indefinitely without ability to think, speak, take care of myself, and the like, just let me die. Mourn me, go out, follow Jesus, build the kingdom, and I’ll see you later!

My Funeral…

First, I would like a strict dress code. Everyone must be wearing a t-shirt. And not a t-shirt with clothing over it. No ties. No collars. Modest tank tops are acceptable. Find two strong young brutes to enforce this policy. Anyone who does not bring a t-shirt with them will be provided with one of my old t-shirts. Yes, they have to wear the clothing of the deceased.

The sermon is also the introduction and welcome. Someone who knows me well needs to explain the levity of the funeral setting. Someone needs to explain that death has lost its power. Someone needs to explain that its already been conquered. People need to know why everything else that follows may seem irreverent.

Have music playing in the background. Some worship songs would be cool. All the music should in some way center around Jesus. Even though being centered around Jesus is not always how I’ve lived, it’s how I’ve wanted to always live. Brian Day will have final say in what the music set is.

As for my body, I have some different ways I want it prepared. I obviously don’t want a suit, but putting a new tattoo somewhere might be pretty neat . I need to be wearing a t-shirt like everyone else. Probably jeans too. I also don’t want a solemn look on my mouth with my eyes closed like I’m sleeping. And I don’t want to be in a coffin. I want to be sitting in a chair erect (not that kind of erect). I want to have a big smile on my face and my eyes wide open. This isn’t to disturb people, but it’s going to be necessary for the…

Photo booth! That’s right, everyone can get one last picture with the ole’ J-Man. What better way to remember me than to have a digital copy of me and you together. One last hurrah if you will. You can sit on my lap, pick me up, put goofy looks on your face, put me in a group, move me around the funeral party parlor, and do all sorts of silly things to me for the photograph. No bunny ears though, too generic. Also, this is not a request, but a suggestion: It would be pretty cool if everyone that attended the funeral posted their photo with me to Facebook as their profile picture. It would be pretty cool if my corpse was photobombing a ton of profile pictures.

If Jenn is still alive, my mom Jenn, then there is something I’ve requested of her multiple times that I would like someone to remind her of. I want her to fruit cup my corpse. This would be a fantastic pose for the photo area. Really, a video of this would be truly priceless. While I’m at it, Mitch once deliberately ripped the crotch of his suit before a wedding as a joke. I can’t think of him doing anything more fitting in my honor than to perform the same gag.

For the party itself, alcohol and smoking are encouraged for all. But don’t overindulge in alcohol consumption and only smoke if you aren’t addicted – Jesus needs to be your true master in those areas. Coffee must be available at all times. I would like a lot of special areas at the party. Set up an area for video games. An area with diapers so for group urinating sessions. Also, I would really like there to be a handful of t-shirt wearing intellectuals to have cigars and scotch while having theological discussions… that surround writings from my blog. There’s some pretty dang good stuff on here, and it would be a shame if some of it isn’t discussed and disseminated.

If anyone at the party is hurting particularly deeply about something important (like something other than my death) or are alone, then for Jesus’ sake please provide them with comfort, conversation, an embrace, and friendship.

My Body

Obviously, if any of my organs are still functional, donate them. I don’t need them or want them. After the funeral, I would like a group of people to keep the party going for a bit. Take my body, wrap me in a tarp or something, throw me in a trunk or pickup bed, drive into the country, build a giant fire, say your last goodbyes, then toss my corpse on the fire. In my few experiences with other people dying, getting buried is really expensive and getting cremated is also excessively costly. It shouldn’t be expensive to get rid of a useless piece of organic matter. Building a large fire is relatively cheap. You should know that I think technically this is probably illegal. However, as those who understand my libertarian values will know, laws like that are a total load of bullshit. Ignore them just this once (twice if I pull a Lazarus).

My Kids

My children go to the person/family who both explains and lives out New Covenant Theology the best and isn’t a part of a silly church gathering that says silly things about what Scripture says. My brother Jared will know the silly church stuff when he sees it. I would like someone to bring in N.T. Wright for the New Covenant Theology debate, but don’t let him say anything about politics or the use of force to compel others who don’t care about Jesus to live out Jesus’ principles. He’s senile in this area.

Although this whole thing is quite silly and culturally absurd. It’s not really a joke. I truly would like all of these things to happen upon my death. If you want to make the funeral about you, that’s fine, do what you want. But what better way to celebrate the life and remember a silly and ridiculous man than to do silly and ridiculous things in his honor?

Categories: Miscellaneous
  1. February 7, 2012 at 2:15 am

    Some hilarioius shit right here!

  2. February 7, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    Thanks man. By reading this, you also become at least partially responsible for making sure this goes down. 😉

  3. February 11, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    I’m there. I’ll light the fire that consumes your body. I’ll also get sick smoking a cigar, just for you.

    • February 13, 2012 at 1:03 pm

      You’re a true friend.

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