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Halting My Creativity

Hey ya’ll. I haven’t been blogging much because at any time I am working on 2-3 different projects that involve writing. These projects are more important to me, so usually, when I consider blogging I think I should spend that time working on the other theological stuff I have to work on.

However, creating has not been easy lately. I often sit down to write and am distracted, sometimes overcome, by thoughts and emotions that aren’t directly related to, say, writing a Bible study or a sermon. My heart and mind are frequently distracted by a wounded soul full of pain, frustration, anger, regret, and confusion. It is tough to think creatively with these internal distractions.

My hope is that I will be able to use my blog to help release some of these thoughts and feelings as they come, that I might be released to work on some of the projects my heart is passionate about. I may be able to process things in such a way as to say something insightful. We will see. Enjoy.

I do not feel these negative emotions because I am a melancholic person (although, that’s usually not an unfair description). I actually feel these things because of the very specific actions of another person. Here’s some of what happened (I think I will share more later):

A couple of months ago, I found out that my father was going on Craigslist and trying to have affairs on his wife, and my mother, of 30 years. That’s the gist of beginning. At some point, I’m unclear as to whether this point is before or after I found out about his crap and confronted him about it, and it doesn’t matter, he did successfully cheat on his wife.

Now, I’m not sure how much information is appropriate to share. Here is what is actually going on in my head, “I’m not sure how much he would want me to share.” Of course, I can share whatever I want to. If he did not want people knowing he is an adulterer who abandons his family, then he probably shouldn’t commit adultery or abandon his family. It’s a funny thing we do as people sometimes, I’m assuming I’m not alone in this. Sometimes we try to protect the perpetrator.

I’m not sure why, but it may be because we are all perpetrators in some way and we would want others to protect us. I suppose in this context, protecting is really about hiding someone’s sin from others. If we put someone else’s sin out there, then perhaps another will put ours out there. I suppose that is scary. Fearing the exposure of our evil may keep us from exposing the evil of others.

Perhaps some foolish boasting will help. I have wronged everyone I’ve ever met. At one point or another, I have hid my sin from everyone I’ve met. I have hurt thousands of people in my life. I will hurt more. I have been blessed with a beautiful understanding of God’s word, but I certainly haven’t let that understanding stop me from crucifying Jesus. I have been given every advantage but been spiritually destitute all the same. I am the worst person I have ever met, and I have met some very evil people.

But still, I am loved. More than that, I am forgiven for all my wrongs. Still more, I have been cleansed of the innumerable sins I have committed. And even more, by grace I have been given the power to live set free from the chains of the sin of my past. Through Jesus, I am doing just that, and being set more and more free everyday.

I am both the worst sinner I know and loved with an efficacious love. I believe that if we all can hold onto both of these truths we will be more likely to call out evil in the world. If we know we are evil, then we do not need to be afraid of someone calling out the evil in us because they will not be shocking us with their tales. If we know we are loved, we do not need to be afraid of someone calling out the evil in us because we know we are accepted despite our evil.

Call out evil in the world. Perhaps people will be less inclined to go through with destructive behavior if they know those close to them will call them on it. Perhaps not. At the least, to call out evil is to speak truth about something people are probably lying to themselves about. To call out evil is to be a light in dark places. There is no need to be afraid of letting that light shine on you too.

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