From another writing project in which I deal with a handful of arguments for male authority over women from this text:
Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” Now out of the ground the Lord God had formed every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said,
“This at last is bone of my bones
And flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman,
because she was taken out of Man.”
Sometimes interpreters will use Genesis 2 to argue for men’s position over women in the hierarchy of Creation. The attempt to demonstrate this comes from a flawed understanding of the purpose of this chapter and an ignorance of Genesis 1. God has already outlined the hierarchy of Creation in Genesis 1. This chapter is not designed to speak to the issue.
Still, there are some who use chapter 2 to posit male authority over females. These arguments which place men over women are common enough it is worth the time to address some of them directly.
In Genesis 1, it looks like male and female were created at the same time. However, in chapter 2 Adam was created before Eve. As one who has been alive in the world for longer, it would make sense for Adam, with his more expansive knowledge of the world, to have a position of authority over her. God deliberately created man first because He wanted men to always have a position of leadership over women.
The main problem with this conclusion is its presumptiveness. There’s no reason in the text to assume being made first put one in a position over others. In fact, were one going to use the order of creation as a way to figure out God’s original design for hierarchy, the exact opposite would have to be concluded. We already know humans are over the rest of creation and humans were created last. The creatures with the highest authority are those created later. If woman was created last of all, then God must want her to have dominion over everything which came before, including man.
Eve is called Adam’s “helper.” When the ESV (and many other translations) use the word “helper” to describe Eve’s relationship to Adam, they are not intending to communicate the idea of some sort of hierarchy. When modern readers perceive Eve to be Adam’s subordinate because of the use of the term helper, they are reading their experiences into the text.
The assumption of some readers that to call someone a “helper” is to subordinate them is not without reason in our modern context. It is common in the work environment to refer to less skilled people as a “helper.” Children who aid in cleanup or who are being kind to younger children are also called “helpers.” A helper is someone who is there to be of assistance to the person who is in charge. We often use “helper” to refer to someone who is in a position of subordination.
The word for helper in the Hebrew text carries no such connotations. The Hebrew word for helper is Ezer. This word is most often applied to God. God helps humanity out sometimes, this certainly doesn’t make him a subordinate. Using similarly shallow arguments to those seeking to prove patriarchy, it would be very easy to conclude Eve must be Adam’s superior, since the same term applied to her is also applied to God. The text is not trying to say anything about a hierarchy at all.
The process of Eve’s creation is another event some use to conclude that God designed men to be in a position over women. Adam slept and then God used his rib to create Eve. She is a part of Adam’s body. Adam is the originator of Eve.
Only a small logical step is required to propose that Adam has rightful authority of Eve. She owes her very existence to him. He owned the rib from which woman was made, so he should have some continuing rights of ownership. Adam obviously has authority over his own body and Eve is simply a separated extension of his body. As one created from someone else, it is reasonable to conclude Adam is above Eve in the hierarchy of creation.
Yet, we find ourselves only able to use these verses to justify a hierarchy between man and woman if we ignore the preceding text. Adam wasn’t created out of thin air either. He originated from another substance – dirt. Is dirt over man in the hierarchy? Quite the opposite, the earth is the very thing over which man is to rule. In the interest of a consistent application of the hierarchal hermenuetic, if man was created from the substance over which he had dominion, then it must be that woman is supposed to have dominion over man.
Or perhaps interpreting Genesis 2 as if it is trying to tell us something about an authority difference between men and women is the wrong way of reading it altogether.
5 “For thus says the Lord,
‘I have heard a sound of terror,
Of dread, and there is no peace.
6 ‘Ask now, and see
If a male can give birth.
Why do I see every man
With his hands on his loins, as a woman in childbirth?
And why have all faces turned pale?
7 ‘Alas! for that day is great,
There is none like it;
And it is the time of Jacob’s distress,
But he will be saved from it.
8 ‘It shall come about on that day,’ declares the Lord of hosts, ‘that I will break his yoke from off their neck and will tear off their bonds; and strangers will no longer make them their slaves. 9 But they shall serve the Lord their God and David their king, whom I will raise up for them.
When I read this over quickly, my first thought was, “God’s talking about judging Israel again.” I don’t know if other readers are like me, but I’m inclined to simply throw passages into this equation: Old Testament Prophet + talking to Israel + talking about human suffering = judgment language. I ran the numbers on my first skim through, and I totally misread the passage.
YHWH’s begins his speech by informing Israel He has heard a sound of terror. This isn’t God acting or proclaiming, He is listening. He is paying attention to His people. YHWH does not hide his face from them, He sees them. He understands their pain.
YHWH is not pronouncing judgment here. God is using empathetic language to let Israel know He understands what they are going through right now. Using the visceral and universal metaphor of labor pains, YHWH reflects their suffering back to them. He demonstrates an intimate knowledge of their circumstances. God sees as if He were in their shoes, looking through their eyes, taking on their perspective. Their pain feels like the most tremendous and debilitating pain they can imagine.
This God knows their pain. While is true the sin of the people has caused their desperate and painful condition, He is loving and forgiving. The merciful God who sees will not allow the pain to endure forever. He’s going to do something about it. He’s going to set things right.
His solution points us obviously to Jesus. I’ve pointed out many times in writings, lectures, and in conversation that choosing a king was a rejection of God. God also promised a descendant of David would be on the throne forever. Jesus is the unique and unexpected solution to this (and many other) problems. Jesus is both God enfleshed and a descendant of David. Jesus both fulfills the promises of God to David and rectifies Israel’s rejection of YHWH as the only rightful king.
I think I’m going to restart doing this regularly. I have a few creative outlets I’m focusing on right now, but I currently have none where I am specifically focusing on Scripture, save for sub 140 character twitter posts, but that hardly counts. This type of writing is also nice to do because it’s fairly easy and I hold it to a very low standard. These blog posts aren’t completely without thought, but they don’t require very extensive thinking either.
Jeremiah 29, huh. There are so many rabbit trails on which we could travel. I’ll work on staying focused and brief.
How about Jeremiah 29:12-14. These verses are a part of a message sent to people from Jerusalem who were taken and are now living in exile in Babylon. God chose to use this time to speak hope to His people in their time of potential despair. They didn’t heed Jeremiah’s warnings and repent, thus God chose not to prevent their conquering. So, now what. God didn’t protect them because of their sin. As covenant breakers in a foreign land, where do they stand with God? The passage in its
12 Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,’ declares the Lord, ‘and I will restore your fortunes and will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you,’ declares the Lord, ‘and I will bring you back to the place from where I sent you into exile.’
The Jewish religious practices ascribe a lot of importance to objects and geography in the worship of YHWH. So much emphasis is placed on these things, the very presence of God is thought to be directly connected to them. God is where the Ark of the Covenant is. The Holy of Holies is where God’s presence is strongest. As one moves outward, the potency of God’s presence decreases. It’s next strongest in the sanctuary, less in the outer courts, still less in the city of Jerusalem, and still present, but weaker in the land of Judea as a whole. The further away one gets from the Temple, the further away one gets from God Himself.
If the presence of God is geographically related, then the exiled Jews have a problem. They’re in Babylon. They’re really far from Jerusalem and they can no longer make trips to the Temple. God directly addresses any fears about His absence. YHWH lets them know His presence extends even to Babylon. Away from home, under power of a foreign rulers, in the midst of a multitude of other gods, YHWH is with them. And He’s as available for relationship as ever. They need only seek Him truly and honestly to find Him. The promise of presence is wonderful and unexpected news to a people who thought their sin drove them away from God.
These words were penned to a very specific group (Jewish exiles in Babylon), at a very specific time (during the reign of Nebuchadnezzar – I don’t know dates people), with a very specific message (God will bring the Jewish people back to Jerusalem). How might a message of return from exile apply to followers of Jesus thousands of years later?
For most of human history, the people of God have been a people in exile. Followers of Jesus are no exception. We are told by new testament authors to identify so strongly as citizens of the kingdom of heaven that we consider ourselves as strangers in a foreign land wherever we find ourselves in the world. We are told to live like those whose home is elsewhere, whose home is different, than the place and culture in which we currently reside. In our exile, God speaks a message of hope – including promises of His presence where we are and promises of a return back to where we belong.
Ultimately, the people of God then and the people of God now are waiting for the same grand return from exile. It is the sin of the world which makes followers of Jesus exiles at present. It was the sin of the Israelites which made them exiles in their time. It was sin in the garden which exiled humanity from the world as it should be. All people of God across history look forward to this final return, when redeemed humanity is brought back to the home for which their heart has always yearned.
Today is Memorial Day 2016. It’s a day to remember the millions upon millions who have been killed in war. It’s a day we all feel a semblance of the sorrow millions feel everyday thinking about the child, the friend, the brother, the uncle, the wife they will never see again. Today is when we recollect the multitude of tragedies felt by so many.
As this day approached, I’ve been thinking of the mistakes I made in my life as it pertains to the nation, the military, and soldiers themselves. I’ve done, thought, believed, and said many things in my life that were harmful to the well-being of American soldiers. I spent most of my life participating in and encouraging a culture which has resulted in and continues to result in the death of millions. For these things, I would like to apologize.
I’m sorry for participating in the propagandistic religious rituals of the State. I’m sorry for standing with the crowd, staring at the flag, putting my hand over my heart, and reciting the pledge of allegiance. I’m sorry for taking off my hat, putting my hand over my heart again, and looking on at the piece of colored cloth with pride while someone sang the national anthem. I now realize these things are designed to create emotional and spiritual devotion in children, turning them into mindless followers of their nation’s rulers.
I’m sorry for believing and spreading war propaganda. I’m sorry for believing 9/11 was an isolated incident, unrelated to the hundreds of thousands of innocent middle easterners dead as the result of US foreign policy. I’m sorry for thinking starting a war in Afghanistan was a reasonable way to hold Al Qaeda accountable. I’m sorry for believing the ridiculous notion that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction other than the ones the US gave them that they subsequently destroyed, and for thinking the presence of such weapons justifies an invasion. More than buying into these absurd notions, I’m remorseful for repeating them, arguing for them, and spreading these rationalizations of violent aggression. I now realize these ideas were deceptive and manipulative, designed to convince the populace to go along with sending their young men and women to kill and to die pointlessly.
I’m sorry for engaging in the type of soldier glorifying behaviors which encourage people to join the military. I’m sorry for all the times I thanked troops for their service. I’m sorry for thinking and acting as if troops were heroes. I’m sorry for believing and propagating the idea that the US Military fights for the freedom of US Citizens. This perception, despite being widespread, can be proven false in a moment by any thinking person. The invention that troops fight for freedom is a façade to hide the truth: troops fight to satisfy the lust for wealth and power of politicians and their brothers in arms.
Today I feel these tragedies on many levels. Every time someone dies it is tragic. It’s even more tragic when they fight, kill, and die for a cause they believe in, but which doesn’t exist. They fight and die to serve their government overlords, to fill the coffers of defense contractors, to keep politicians in power, and to satisfy the bloodlust of the tribalistic masses who won’t stop beating the war drum. For the many ways I encouraged these lives to be wasted, for men and women to become empty sacrifices of the State, I’m sorry.
I promise I will not dishonor the memory of the many victims of war by being a pawn of the State any longer.
Hey ladies and gentlemen. Neither you nor I knew if I would ever revisit this blog. Here I am. The occasion? I wanted to take a break from my regular discussion of controversial issues to talk about race. I’ve talked a little about the topic in the past. I don’t talk about it much.
Why now? Cuz my stupid friend who’s not stupid at all but actually pretty smart, genuine, kind, open-minded, open-hearted, generous with consuming the creative projects of others, and a good writer wrote this.* You should read this blog post even though I’m going to spend some time disagreeing with it. John humbly and honestly deals with his thoughts on race and privilege and he is just generally a person worth reading. The post is based on a Macklemore song entitled: “White Privilege II.” Can you guess what the song is about?
I didn’t actually listen to the song. I read the lyrics. I don’t enjoy Macklemore’s music. It’s just not my style. I’m becoming an old curmudgeon with musical tastes which remain largely unchanged.
Up front: I generally don’t like talk about white privilege. I don’t think it’s a helpful concept. Do you know what the concept does? What it does is group a massive chunk of the population together by race, and then invites people to make assumptions about their lives, thoughts, worldview, and experiences based upon the color of their skin. As someone who is very interested in the unique lives and stories of individuals, I’m not really into making assumptions about others based upon the color of their skin.
That being said, I readily admit I am privileged. Looking back at my life, there are many privileges I can easily recognize. I grew up in an upper middle class household. I grew up in a safe neighborhood. I had two parents in my life well into adulthood. I was cared for. I was homeschooled for a few years of my life. I’m of average attractiveness, at least average enough I didn’t suffer much mocking by my peers. I was naturally able to do well in school. I was more athletic than most. I have had many good friends.
These were major aspects of my life which privileged me in relative to many people. They were easily noticeable. Do you know what I never noticed? Privilege due to my race. Should we blame my white blinders? Maybe. I wonder though, if I can’t see due to my white blinders, why don’t I also have my wealthy family, two parent household, or athlete blinders on? Why would I readily see and acknowledge one privilege and not another?
While surely there are cases where people with skin colors of various shades have certain privileges others do not, this doesn’t mean I think white privilege is a helpful idea with which we should permeate culture. It can lead to a lot of insanity. The concept, from my perspective, misidentifies those white people who were not as privileged as I am (not to mention ignores the black people who were more privileged than I).
White privilege assumes members of a particular race have had similar experiences. What about the white people who grew up with only a drug addicted mother at home? What about those who spent a lot of their childhood hungry? Who were abused and molested by dangerous men their mother brought into their house? Who lived in fear? Who were embarrassed to even show up at school? Who were in some danger of getting killed or robbed because of the neighborhood they lived in? A liberal application of the word “privilege” certainly fits my life, but is it fair to apply such words to the millions of others who share my skin color but not my experiences?
Are These Wrongs Racist?
When describing the song, John says,
The newest song, “White Privilege II,” exposes Macklemore’s own struggle with privilege and his desire to advocate for what’s right and standing in solidarity with people who’ve been wronged—by things like disproportionate police brutality, systemic injustice in schools, cultural appropriation, and more.
I want to talk about some of these wrongs which have been brought up.
Disproportionate Police Brutality
The first one is “disproportionate police brutality.” This is absolutely a real thing. If you look at the numbers of deaths of blacks compared to deaths of whites at the hands of police officers (as well as other numbers related to police brutality), there is a significantly higher percentage of blacks who suffer police brutality. But this begs the question: why?
I’m no defender of the government monopoly on security services, but I have serious questions about whether racism is the reason behind a disproportionate number of blacks experiencing police brutality. I’ve never see numbers related to police brutality comparing races which also accounted for things like: single parent household, household income level, corporal punishment in the home, and education level of the individual and of their parents. Maybe these factors, and factors like them, explain the disparity without even needing to factor race?
I strongly suspect if these factors and others were taken into account, it would be very difficult to find a racial difference. If anyone has numbers relating to race which are normalized for many of these other contributing factors, I would really like to see them because I’ve never been able to find something like that.
Sometimes people assume things like African Americans having things like lower incomes, less education, higher levels of single parent households, etc, than Caucasians is the result of racism of the present or an indicator of the continuing impact of slavery. There is no reason to assume this. In this brief interview Thomas Sowell explains briefly why such disparities still exist and are often very noticeable without needing to reference an event from 150 years ago to explain the data. If you’re interested, Walter E. Williams and Thomas Sowell do some really good work in this area.
I understand there are many stories about black people who were pulled over or stopped by police for doing nothing wrong at all. Many of us have heard them from people who believe they were racially profiled. I do not doubt the veracity of these stories. I make no claims about whether they were racially motivated stops or not. They may have been, they may not have been.
In case you don’t know me, I’m whitey mcwhitester and could not be mistaken for a person of color unless I was interacting with someone who was blind. Despite this, I have also had run-ins with the police for doing nothing wrong.
In highschool, when I was 16-18 years old, I would go jogging at night. During these nighttime runs, I was stopped by police frequently. So frequently that even though I didn’t bring a wallet with me, I made sure to always bring an ID. Many times I would think about where I was going to jog, and would deliberately avoid places where I thought it was more likely I would run into the police, because getting stopped was so annoying.
My highschool friends and I were also pulled over on occasion while driving for being suspicious. Nothing wrong with the car to justify a stopping. No crazy driving. No laws broken. No drugs (except sugar and caffeine from the Mountain Dew). Just a buncha dudes in a car acting suspiciously by driving around.
I’ve also been pulled over for no reason while I was by myself. One one occasion I was told to get out of my car. When I did, the officer told me to get into the squad car. Then he grabbed my wrist, twisted it and my arm behind my back without warning. I’m lucky I had been drinking at bar bible study that night, or I might have not have been in such a good mood and may have instinctively responded to the wrist twist with self-defense. With my arm twisted behind my back he led me to his vehicle with his partner, put me in the back of the squad car, and locked the doors. Then they ran the license plates and registration on my car. They thought I had stolen my own vehicle and said as much.
In my interpretations of these events, I never assumed these stops were racially motivated. I assumed they were related to my age and sex, but not my race. However, I think if I was black growing up in this world, I would have concluded these stops without reason were an act of racial profiling, but I would have been mistaken. What people would have taught me about myself and the world around me would have caused me to make false conclusions about how I was treated and why I was treated in such a way.
Perhaps this is my white privilege in action: Because I was never taught people would be mistreating me because of my race, I never assume they are (unless they make racial comments). I would hate to grow up in a world where people taught me I was being suspected of a crime, ignored, held back, and mistreated by the system and people within it simply because of my skin color. An education like this would cause me to walk around misinterpreting many of my interactions with others. Maybe we are teaching people to misinterpret some of their life experiences.
Systemic Injustice in Schools
I don’t have much to say about the second point: systemic injustice in schools for blacks, because I know nothing about it. If it is related to school funding, I would be interested to know whether whiter schools in a similar area with a similar per capita income level receive more funding simply because of the skin color. Or is perhaps the funding level related to factors other than race?
My understanding of this term is that it refers to someone experiencing an aspect of someone else’s culture, enjoying it, then imitating and integrating the piece of culture into their lives. This was classified as a “wrong.” I’m not sure what’s wrong about it. This is something people do all the time with other people. They like music they hear others listening to, movies others watched, clothing styles others wear, language others use, and they integrate these things into their lives. Cultural appropriation is one of the primary ways we discover our likes and are shaped by the world around us.
What could possibly be wrong about this? The idea seems to be that white people appropriating black culture is a way of wronging the black community. If this is what is meant, I am disturbed. To say whites appropriating black culture is wrong is to discriminate because of someone’s race. You have the wrong skin color and therefore you aren’t fit to dress or talk or act or eat a certain way. That’s only for people whose skin is a different color than yours. Does anyone else find this to be kind of a distorted way of viewing people and groups?
Not Caring About Race Is Not the Same as Not Caring About Someone’s Story
As a general rule, I don’t really care about your race. It’s a physical characteristic. We should both recognize the loaded history behind the characteristic and that, it’s not all that objectively different than eye color or hair color. While I don’t care about your race, this doesn’t mean I’m not sensitive to your experiences or that I don’t care what you have gone through as a result of your race.
I care about your story. Your life. Your experiences. How others have treated you. If you’ve experienced racism, that’s a big deal and I’d like to hear about it. I also want to hear about it if you were mocked for your eye color, hairstyle, or other superficial qualities like skin color. These experiences are a part of your story and shape who you are.
I will not, however, make assumptions about you based on your race. I won’t assume you’ve experienced racism because of your skin color nor will I assume you’ve experienced privilege. I do not believe relying on presumption is a fair way to treat another human being. Everyone is an individual with unique experiences and deserves to be thought of as such.
John goes on to say,
Racism and partiality are problems we can’t ignore or run away from.
Certainly not. But can we please be absolutely confident someone or thing is racist before we use the descriptor? Calling someone a racist is one of the worst terms you can apply to them. I’d rather have every racial epithet in the book thrown at me than accused of racism. We better be very confident with very strong evidence to back it up in order to call someone a racist.
It is scary to me when people notice differences between groups and start throwing around terms like “systemic racism.” Sometimes there is systemic racism. There are many systems which explicitly favor one race over another. However, it is unfair to look at the results of systems (rather than how they are setup) and say something like, “Asians do better than whites in school and their average income level is higher, therefore there is systemic racism favoring Asians and suppressing whites.” We need different evidence to substantiate such claims than differences in results.
I know racism still exists in the world. I’m not trying to pretend it doesn’t. I am afraid of people assuming it’s ubiquitous and in their confirmation bias, seeing it in places where it is not. When we do see racism in practice, many of us should assertively speak out against it. Everyone should avoid participating it. It is much easier to spot and maintain focus on racist acts when we are more careful to make sure what we are pointing out is indeed racism.
I think conversations about race are important as racism has been such a given in the world since the earliest recorded history. I am concerned sometimes these conversations lead to more division and more group delineation, not less. I am concerned about the identifications of people as oppressed or privileged based on skin color which seem to happen so freely. I am concerned about people losing their individuality in the minds of others and just being identified as a member of a group. I’m concerned that some of the calls for people to talk about race or acknowledging of white privilege or bringing up of things like systemic racism, are sometimes self-centered posturing by the person to make themselves look better, more liked, or feel better about themselves.
Walter Williams, an economist, says something I believe to be insightful in one of the articles I linked to above. He says he thinks a lot of this white privilege conversation is actually based around white guilt over what other white people did to black people decades ago.** Don’t worry, Walter is black so his opinion counts. For anyone who feels guilt about their white skin color, Dr. Williams has a pardon for you. You’ve been absolved of guilt by association so now without guilt you are “thus obliged not to act like a damn fool in your relationships with Americans of African ancestry.”
* John is so likeable, I hate writing something which disagrees with what he says, even though I think he will be happy to have inspired me to write something in response to his words.
** It should be noted that to feel guilty about what people of your same skin color have done is to prioritize your association with people of your skin color above people of other skin colors. While this may not be racist, it is certainly the type of collectivist mindset which creates division between groups that can lead to racism and often does. Ideally, the level of solidarity and association we feel with others should have very little to do with race.
Mark Halvorsen reminded me this morning what a crazy year it has been for me. He’s right. I forget about it sometimes. It made me feel known having someone come up to me and express compassion for all I’ve been through in the last 12 months. Coincidentally, I also looked at my timehop today. This is an app which shows what you did exactly 1 year, 2 years, 3, etc on social media and messaging apps and the like. On it was a conversation with my mother which gave me a time reference.
Yesterday was exactly one year ago when I confronted my father about the many Craigslist emails on his phone where he was soliciting women and I gave him 24 hours to tell his wife about it. Today is a year from the day she found out. Tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of the day he drove off to Kansas to be with another woman and her family. Whew, right?
Also this year, there was a massive church divide, controversy, blow up… not sure what you want to call it… that I was very close to. It was really difficult for everyone involved. It was especially difficult for me (not saying more difficult than for others or anything like that, but I’m trying to communicate how it was hard for me in a unique way) because there were a lot of sides in the conflict. For those who know me, you know I often have a hard time taking standard sides in most binary oppositions because I disagree with everyone equally in different ways.
So, I agreed with a lot of the message of one particular side of the church breakup. I also think some of the ways the people handled it on the side were sometimes simply out of fear, were mean-spirited, misrepresentative, destructive, and I think some people just jumped on board because it seemed like the opposing group was right without thinking through it themselves. Still, I found myself agreeing with many criticisms this particular group had, but I was afraid of associating myself with them because of their methodology and what I think is an over reaction, or at least the wrong reaction. I found myself wanting to side with the people I perceived to be victims only to find that, from my perspective, some had turned into perpetrators and demonizers of their fellow human beings. Additionally, I have a closeness to and love for many people on the multiple sides of this particular issue. So I never know how much to say, how to insert my perspective into the conversation, or whether doing so is even the right thing. I’m not the best person to evaluate the situation as I haven’t been directly involved in the church for a long time anyway, but still had some pretty strong thoughts about most things. At any rate, I felt like I couldn’t take any side and the whole situation made me feel lonely and heartbroken. I’m holding back tears right now as I ramble through this.
In addition, my Grandma on my mother’s side died. This was a sad event, moreso in the middle of everything else. Dealing with the added sorrow and honestly, feelings of guilt on my part for feeling like I mishandled her final years was hard. I didn’t know how to handle them well, so I didn’t do near as much as I could have. I didn’t do enough to pursue relationship with her in the twilight of her life. Grateful for my family members who did.
Anyway, long year. I also had normal life stuff which carries with it its own frustrations and difficulties. I’ve had to deal with home issues, friend issues, other family issues, church issues, wife issues, money issues, job issues, etc. Most importantly, I still live with the same struggle with sin everyone else does, with a heart that needs to die daily to sin and experience repeated rebirth in Christ through the loving forgiveness of grace and the empowering transformation of the Spirit.
So, what’s the purpose of this post? Scattered thoughts. 🙂
I believe this will be my last post in this series about dealing with the dissolution of my family. Not because I don’t have more to deal with or because more things won’t keep happening regarding it. I’m sure they will. I’m not sure what else to say about them. It’s a lot of the same stuff over and over. Sadness. Pain. Frustration. Anger. Followed by: Forgiveness. Grace. Love.Pity. Not just for the past stuff, but also for the ways he continues to wrong through attempts at manipulation of those I love and his attempts at deceiving those around him (that I have heard of, though I cannot confirm firsthand, so if I am speaking something falsely here I am sorry and open to correction). But nothing new is happening. Just my heart continuing to heal and hopefully continuing to be shaped into the image of Christ.
Also, in case you don’t know, life is weird. If last year you would have told me all the things which were going to happen to me this year, I would have wondered how I would endure it. But I did. One day at time. Sometimes on my knees. Sometimes on my feet. Some days doing a poor job of dealing with things and cowardly ignoring God and my life and everything important because it felt like too much to handle. But here I am and I feel okay. I feel really good some days. I feel really bad other days. To be perfectly honest, my overall mood and the pattern of feeling good and bad are not all that different now than it was before everything that happened in the last year.
Not only has God blessed me with endurance, but he is helping me do things on his behalf in the meantime. In September, it will be one year since I told my friend Perry I think I should do the teaching at church once a month. Despite my own theological flaws and holes in my ability to communicate, God has used me to bless people in that way. Although I’m quite confident my appeal is still to a narrow audience, I think God has helped me grow in this area. God has also blessed me with a large number of people expressing their gratitude and thankfulness and telling me the things God said to them through me as I stepped out in an area I have always perceived myself to be poorly suited for.
I’ve been writing questions for and leading/coordinating the 9 AM bible study at my church for a while. God has also used this to bless others through my questions and my participation in the discussion. He has blessed us collectively by, I believe, guiding us through the book of John together in some beautiful ways. I have also been blessed by getting to hear so many people’s perspective on scripture who respect God’s words, who are willing to challenge each other, and who are willing to disagree assertively one week, and still show up the next to engage in relationship. It’s beautiful to be a part of.
I also started a podcast. I’ve committed myself to three different things this year I’ve never committed myself to before, two of which are well outside my comfort zone and outside of my perceived zone of capability. All of which are important to my heart. All of which have blessed me. All these things I have done in the middle of an incredibly difficult and painful year. They have all helped bring me closer to God and thus my own heart and soul. God has used them to help heal me and has been wonderful about preventing me from using them as a tool to escape from myself.
Time has a way of creating a new normal. I spent the first 29 years of my life seeing my father very regularly. Now, I haven’t seen his face in a year. It’s been so long, it feels normal. Oddly, this is a helpful and hopeful reminder for me. People get used to things. We can endure a lot. And there can be bad circumstances in our lives which remain forever that don’t make our life bad forever. We can still have joy and be happy. We can still do good things. The bad things can be present and life can still be good.
God’s the best. I’m so relieved and grateful to have had my brother Jesus introduce me to his dad long before Mitch abandoned me. I’ve already been adopted into a new family. I’ve already become the son of a different Father, a son of the one who never stops loving me and who has permanently made a way for me to be in relationship with him no matter what I’ve done, as long as I turn back toward him. He’s always been my true Father anyway. Here’s something crazy: At no point in this whole ordeal have I ever felt unloved. I’ve felt unloved by Greg, but not unloved by my Father. Not generally unloved. Of course love from people in my life I have loved matters. Of course it is painful when they no longer love me. Of course it is painful when they choose their own selfish desires over you. But there is a love far more powerful and more constant which has made itself available to me, the love of God put on display most clearly in Christ Jesus. The more I embrace it, the more wonderful my life becomes even in the midst of difficult circumstances.
Today is Sunday, June 21, 2015. It’s Father’s Day. I have a lot of mixed emotions.
My dad still hasn’t reached out to me to try to talk to me, repent, reconcile, explain, or anything of the sort. He did send me a birthday gift recently. I suppose technically it is an act of communication. But it’s not one that feels very good. It’s not an act of communication which opens up the door to further conversation or relationship. To be honest, given how he has treated me and the rest of my family and many of his friends, I don’t see the sending of the gift as an act of love. I see it as him trying to feel better about himself as a father.
I didn’t reach out to him to wish him a happy father’s day. I thought about it, because it is weird after 29 years of having a relationship with one’s father to suddenly not and suddenly on father’s day for him to be absent by his own choice. It would also be disingenuous. I don’t want him to have a happy father’s day. I hope he has a miserable father’s day.
Believe it or not, I don’t wish this upon him because of some quest for vengeance. Some days I want revenge upon him for what he has done. But not today. Not most days. Thank God for the grace and mercy He has given to me so I might be equipped through His love to extend it to others. I do not hope he has a bad father’s day because I want him to suffer miserably. I think having a bad father’s day is what would be best for him.
Really. Imagine you abandon your kids and your wife to go sleep with other women and spend time with them and their kids. Imagine you treat your kids so horribly and then a day comes around which is purposed to celebrate you for the love you have for your kids. Of course you should feel terrible on this day. You should be thinking about the way you broke your relationships with your children. You should be feeling the pain of not having relationships with them. You should be full of regret.
If, in these circumstances, you have a happy and wonderful Father’s Day, then you’re a sociopath. You have no regard for others or willingness to experience the pain of the actions you caused. At least if he has a bad Father’s day, he is experiencing the pain his sinful actions have caused him. Perhaps his heart will become more tender because of the pain and he will be closer to repentance and turning his life back toward God.
Even though I am not too keen on Mitch at present, I don’t throw out the parent with the bathwater. There are a lot of character traits Greg exhibited in the past I am grateful to have experienced. He worked hard. He spent many mornings of my childhood up early reading the Bible and praying. He was willing to help people who needed it, sometimes even over and over after they kept screwing up. He helped out at church a lot, filling whatever roles he thought needed to be filled. All of the qualities are worth imitating, remembering fondly, and being grateful for.
However, when it comes to relationships, the present means a lot more than the past. You can’t have a relationship with memories. Positive memories don’t undo mistreatment of the present. They can’t fix the divide.
Sometimes I wonder on days like today what would I do if Mitch repented? What would I do if he actually was sincere about wanting to follow Jesus and therefore wanting to do whatever he could in his own power to set things right with his kids? What if he was open, honest, and seeking reconciliation? How would I respond?
I still don’t know. While certainly I would offer forgiveness and would be open to a conversation, one on my terms, I don’t know if I would be open to having a relationship with him or not. He is a person who has treated not just me, but those I am close to, love, and care for, with great disregard… that’s a nice word… with great evil. He blew up a family and left everyone else to deal with the consequences of his actions.
He left a young child alone and confused with a mother who was also alone and confused. He left his wife and church family in the middle of a dysfunctional time in the church’s life which he was well aware of. Rather than do something good, like working with his family and friends to bring positive changes to the church (among whom there were very many who would have worked with him side by side to do so), or to bring his family to one of the many other welcoming churches in the Chippewa Valley, he left everyone to deal with the mess they were in and added to it a whole other mess which was even more difficult and painful. He abandoned his wife and kids to run off with someone else, even though he knew they were in a precarious situation. He was well-placed in a position to bring about positive change in his church community on behalf of his family or to protect his family from potential harm by going elsewhere. Instead of this he abandoned his post, his wife, his kids, and his friends and ran off to sin without being held back and restrained by the relationships of those who loved him.
I’m not sure I would want a person who has been so heartlessly mean to those I love in my life even if he did regret his actions and want to change. I’m not sure I could trust someone who did those things. I’m not sure if he would be a safe person to be around, for me or for those close to me. Certainly if I had kids I would feel quite protective of them ever knowing him given his track record. It’s a difficult thing to think about and to know what is right, especially in the realm of the hypothetical.
If the pattern of the last 11 months is any indicator, I may never have to worry about it.