A Personal Reflection On A Creative Project

A little over two years ago, on the day I turned 30 years old, I released the first episode of a podcast entitled, “Christian Anarchy.” It is essentially a podcast devoted to explaining to followers of Jesus that they should not support the violent treatment of peaceful people, alerting Jesus followers to the reality that all Nation-States exist through the violent treatment of peaceful people, and thus followers of Jesus should not support the existence of Nation-States. I was embarrassed to release my first episode.

I’m still a little embarrassed to bring it back up. I do not find the subject matter embarrassing and I’m more confident than ever in the essential message of the podcast. I was embarrassed because at the time, I was a well below average speaker. I knew the podcast would be full of flaws, yet I believed the truth of the ideas themselves would add enough value to listeners that many could overlook my lack of ability. In order to communicate the message in this format, I had to put my weakness in full view of others.

This project resulted in a lot of personal growth. I learned a lot about magic internet stuff and more than I knew existed about audio production. The extent of my previous knowledge of audio recording was: 1. Press record on cassette player. 2. Fart into mic. 3. Rewind. 4. Press play. 5. Giggle. Now I can record, edit, and mix audio and make it sound professional… like a really cheap professional who is bad at his job, but still.

Learning a few new concrete skills in my elderly condition was good for my aging brain. Moreso than this, I became better at things I’ve often thought I could not do. Creating a podcast episode every week was an essential element in working my way up to becoming a mediocre public communicator. I took debate class in high school to avoid speech. I sprinted through every verbal presentation in college. I’ve always avoided monologues. I never thought these forms of public speaking were a skillset I could have. With a lot of practice, and putting myself in vulnerable positions, I’m now a passably decent sermonizer and I crush best man speeches. It turns out you can become better at things you suck when you do it a lot.

Perhaps the most important skill I strengthened is consistent, self-motivated follow through. I have a tendency to be motivated by external factors. Yes, I’ll show up at the event I said I would show up at because others are directly involved. I’ll finish the homework I signed up to finish. I will do the tasks I need to in order to make money. I’ll do what I said I would because others are depending on me. Releasing a podcast every week is different. No one is depending on me, I won’t make money, I have no external obligations. I simply put the work in (sometimes it was a lot) to make it happen consistently because I desired to. My internal motivation was enough.

Despite the near unending list of criticisms I could level at this creative project, it’s by far the best thing I’ve ever produced. I don’t know of any ideas more important and less discussed in our world. Nothing I’ve done has had anywhere near the reach of the podcast. Never have I received so much gratitude and compliments than in email after email people sent me from all over the world in response.

The positive reaction of so many who listened to me talk for 35 hours was disarming. I had to put down the weapons I would normally use against myself because it would have been irrational to use them. Many negative things are true about the show. It suffers from my lack of monologuing ability. It is too dry. It’s too dense for the audio format at many points. The show is redundant in others. It’s boring. My jokes are idiotic. My understanding and knowledge is sometimes very shallow. These things are true, but I cannot use them to shame myself or convince myself I wasted my time. Too many people, too many individuals who are among the most reasonable, open minded, intellectually honest, and compassionate I know, were so happy and grateful I could not take up arms against myself.

One lesson I am in a frequent state of learning is that I should always live disarmed of my own judgment. I do not mean absent of honest self-evaluation, but absent a judgmental mindset which can so easily accompany such self-evaluation. There is little to be gained by self-shame. Nothing to be gained by shaming one’s own creative work. And there is great freedom in being able to create things without fear of what anyone will think about it, including oneself. Shamelessness also creates an inner peace which allows for the kind of honest self-perspective out of which self-improvement can flourish.

In case you are reading this and happen to be interested in glancing at the podcast I’ve been discussing, here: Christianarchy

 

Silly Little Things

You know when I ask, “Why God, why?”  It’s not when I see something horrible on TV where hundreds of people die or when I hear horrible stories of what has happened to individuals.  I understand why that stuff happens.  I don’t even ask “Why?” when terrible things happen to me or to those that are most intimate with me.   My soul understands how the fallen world is an evil one and I am content to know that a good and loving God is there in the midst of all pain.  I ask God why when the little things come up.

Today I got a bee sting.  I’ve had many bee stings in my time.  I don’t even really mind bee stings.  They are usually surprising and unpleasant, but not a big deal.  Today, even though I didn’t mind the bee sting or care that I got stung, things were different.  My body started itching and I could feel my lips getting numb.  Then my eyes started itching and my hand and face started swelling a lot.  This progressed and eventually I had to go into freaking Urgent Care.  So stupid.  These are the things I just don’t get.

At least with pain and suffering, there is meaning in it.  Being hurt and experiencing evil suck, but their very suckiness draws me before the throne of my loving God, compelling me to find life, wholeness, beauty, and goodness in him.   Because the experience is more significant, it drives me toward the pursuit of significance and the negative force against me builds my character.  But this little piddly stuff, this stuff I hate.

I hate it when a car breaks down.  I hate getting a debilitating fever.  I hate getting stung by a bee and suddenly having it be a life-threatening situation.  It feels like such a waste of time, money, and thought processes.  It completely interrupts my schedule and makes my time totally unproductive, and yet it is such a small deal.  It’s a bee sting, who cares?!?!?!?  The crappy part is, now I can’t just get stung by a bee, take vengeance, and go about my merry way.  Now I might die every time I get stung.  Why God?  Why all of the sudden am I now not impervious to bee stings?  Why didn’t you just keep me from getting allergies?  Why didn’t you just take away my swelling and heal me so I didn’t have to waste your time and money on petty things?  I know God is capable, He just didn’t do it.  Humorously, and revealingly for those that see through me, I kind of wanted my lungs to swell up and suffocate me to death instead of going to the hospital.  It would have been my way of spiting God.

I think highly of myself.  I think I’m worth a lot.  I think my money is precious because I work so adamantly to spend it in a way that loves God by making a difference in the lives of people.  Because I spend my money well, then I think God should give me more and free me from being forced to spend it.  I think my time is precious.  I think that my time is worth more than insignificant trips to the hospital.  I have always had a strong body that responded well when fighting illnesses and didn’t overreact to things, therefore I should not have life threatening body related issues at age 23.

The main problem is not that my time was wasted today, that I had to spend money on health care, that my body swelled up, or even that I will now always have to worry about bees.  The problem is that I still suffer from a soul of pride.  My time really isn’t worth that much.  I don’t spend all that much time doing significant things.  When I do, I’m really not that effective, and when I am, it is only when God is.  I really don’t spend my money that well.  I think too much of myself.  I’m really not impressive.  I’m really not that good.  I really don’t deserve God freeing me from my possibly deadly allergic reaction.  It’s his prerogative to allow me to have it and take it away.  If He wants me to have it, that is perfectly just and fair.  If He chooses to remove it, that is only because of His mercy that give me an undeserved gift.  It is not my job to spite God or make Him act how I think He should, but it is my job to love God and act how I think He wants me to.  I cannot let pride take hold or keep hold.  I have to see the bigger picture , see the reality that even a mundane trip to urgent care is loaded with meaning and purpose when I am humbly living a life oriented toward God alone, and not to myself.  Sometimes (read: almost always) I have trouble living out all that I know to be true.